Grieving My Mother - Update

Grieving My Mother

Update...May 23, 2015

I haven't talked to my mother in two weeks. The last time we spoke was Mother's Day. My brother visited and took the time to call me so I could talk to her while he was there. This is the norm now. I call...we all call, but she doesn't answer her phone. When I ask her why, she says, "I'm probably in the lobby." or "I hear it ring, but I don't know what to do." I try all times of the day, letting the phone ring and ring, thinking to myself "Come on Mom, you can do this. Pick up the phone. Just lift up the handle. Come on." All of my positive thinking doesn't work though.

I feel so distanced from her, but maybe this is someone's way of preparing me for life without her. I sit here and cry, weeping for the mother I once knew. She is becoming a stranger, and I have no control of this outcome. I can't turn back time for her, I can't make her remember, I can't even show her how to pick up the damn phone. Would it be different if I lived in Phoenix? Yes, but would it change the outcome? No.  

The hardest thing is not talking to someone you used to talk to all the time. So yes, I'll cry. I'm allowed to grieve my mother. I'm here, helpless, knowing she is fading from my sights, but never my heart. I can't help her. I can't come to her rescue. I can't bring her back...so yes, I'll cry. 

Kathy Bolen